Finding Your Anchor
Photo by Lucas Sankey on Unsplash
Many of us are restless and anxious and have an unexplainable void inside of us that sometimes keeps us tossing and turning at night. The anxiety of an uncertain future–especially these COVID times–coupled with the depression of unresolved past traumas makes the perfect disastrous recipe that prevents us from living in the now–the present. Having an anchor to ground us when the waves are calm, and more so during rogue waves are crucial so we don’t drift off into the darkness of the vast and deep ocean of our lives.
As we mature, we test different strategies to cope with our stress, depression and anxiety. Some strategies are positive and helpful (physical activity, meditation, household chores, etc.), and some are negative and destructive (drugs, gambling, violence, etc.). Some strategies can be positive (eating, sleeping, shopping, etc.), unless it is done in an excessive way which can become harmful.
Stress and anxiety tends to manifest in my body as intense physical pain–specifically migraines. It’s unrelenting and brutal to say the least. One day a few years back, a nasty migraine attack sent me to the emergency room while I was minutes away from writing my last final exam of the semester. My professor saw the state I was in, and was kind enough to help get a cap to get home–he urged me to see my family doctor immediately.
By the time I made it to the emergency a few hours later, I couldn’t feel my entire right side–I thought I was having a stroke. My fresh twenty-five-year-old self was petrified. More hours and many tests later, the doctor informed me that I was experiencing a “Complicated Migraine”. I was stunned. I had stroke-like symptoms yet it turned out to be a painful headache. I left the emergency that evening with the doctor telling me I was due for another episode in 25 years. I was not sure if it was a bad joke, or if he was serious–either way I was too out of it to care.
I later learned that the particular brand of migraine I experienced that day is a rare type called hemiplegic migraine. The following 72 hours was torture; every muscle in my body was on fire. I was prescribed multiple medications that individually are used for various conditions, but used together is apparently effective for a gnarly migraine. Then I got an alert from the pharmacy informing me that the previous medication I was taking–a muscle relaxant–and the new medication cannot be mixed. They warned it was a deadly combination and would risk my heart stopping.
What a dilemma.
This led me on a journey to take more control of my life, and put real effort in managing my stress and anxiety so I wouldn’t go through that experience again. I’ve tried many coping strategies. Some were great and effective (boxing, breathing exercises, stretching, etc.), while others were disastrous (medications, sugar, social media, etc.). I’ve had several hits and misses, and was eventually guided to a path of spirituality–by the grace of God.
I’ve always considered myself to be spiritual, and I’ve always been a Muslim. However, somewhere along the way, my spirituality gradually diminished to the point that my daily acts of worship were reduced to mere habitual performances and lip service that no longer permeated and enlightened my soul; I was drifting to darkness, so I silently prayed.
Life’s events triggered more anxiety, and this time I was having difficulty managing it; I was losing control. I was desperate for calmness. I needed something to engage my body and mind to center myself. I looked for my prayer bead–a tan tusbah with 99 beads with a black divider bead placed after every 33 beads. It resembled the tusbah my grandmother–May God rest her soul–gifted me that I regrettably lost.
Photo by odil akhmed on Unsplash
My fingers began counting every bead as I proclaimed:
SubhanAllah– Oh Allah I declare your perfection, and I am imperfect.
Alhamdulilah– All the praise, gratitude and thanks belongs to You oh Allah.
Allahu Akbar– You are greater oh Allah. Greater than all of my distress and worries.
Wa Laa ilaaha illa Allah–And there is none worthy of worship but you alone oh Allah.
I recited each prayer 100 times until my shallow breathing became deep inhales and exhales. Until my rapidly beating heart threatening to jump out of my chest normalized. Until my tense shoulders relaxed. Until the tornado swirling in my mind vanished. I was calm. I experienced divine intervention as I handed all of my sadness and fears over to God. I completely surrendered and became free.
With additional lifestyle changes, my continued prayer bead meditation, and increasing knowledge in faith and spirituality lessened my anxiety and stress day after day until I no longer felt its presence lingering. From time to time it peek-a-boos unexpectedly, but my rigorous ritual of calming my mind and body with dhikr vanquishes it to oblivion.
After experimenting with various conventional and unconventional methods of coping, I have found one that works without fail. I found a reliable anchor that no matter the storm, I am grounded and stabilized. A pure source of peace that brings me sleep during sleepless nights, and air when I am struggling to breathe.
My Creator is my anchor.
With this upgraded lens and rediscovered awareness, I relinquish the demons of my past, and I am confident to tread the unknown paths of the future. And most importantly, I don’t let a day go by without living it to the best of my ability. With God, all is good my friends.
Tusbah– prayer beads
Dhikr– remembrance and/or utterance of praise, glorification, and exaltation of God
